My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
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Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
You’re the water to my grease fire.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.