Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
$3 #books
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Received some very disappointing news today
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for