Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
You Might Also Like
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”