I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
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REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Camping tip: No.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.