Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
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My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
it’s the silliest best thing
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.