People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
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What a year we’ve had this week.
What the dentist sees
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Driving in Europe vs Canada
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.