We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
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And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Seems legit
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.