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Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON