“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
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remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Teach your children to beatbox
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.