Just a bush.
You Might Also Like
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.