[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
You Might Also Like
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
How it started How it’s going
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.