Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
You Might Also Like
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk