First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
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Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start