pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Body by Oreos
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!