Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help