The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
You Might Also Like
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
a fate I wish upon no one
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.