All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Finally! 😈
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My brain is a bad influence on me
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.