At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
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accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
is this meant to deter me
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
the short answer to this question
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no