life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.