Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
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Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
August 8
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
When someone trying to leave me
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.