ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
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help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Wednesday
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My life in a nutshell
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀