I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
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Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Heroic Misunderstanding
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.