Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
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Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping