SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
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ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline