Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Cashiers are always checking me out
they split up moments later
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please