I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
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The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I have a type: disappointing
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence