Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
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Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.