It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.