Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.