Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
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My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
These aliens are taking forever.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?