posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
This hospital has everything
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}