I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
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establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Salad is the decaf of food.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?