i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
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dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Liquor Store Parking
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs