A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
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Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite