Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
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“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.