For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
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Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.