I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
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Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
*aggressively waits in line*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
hmm conte-me mais
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
me adding lol on a serious message
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.