I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
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[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Fidel Castro was alive?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.