If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…