Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
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i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
“OMGJK” -atheists
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Cat is stressing him out.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Overindulged this afternoon.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
🤣🤣🤣
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.