Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
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If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
oh no, steve’s working tonight
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.