@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
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My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…