I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
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me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper