#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
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After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
we’re gonna need another temp
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I’m not wrong
Does it…does it take 3 days
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.