When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.