Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Knock Knock
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.