I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Life cycle of cat
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Rather alarming headline…
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
December birthdays be like…
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller