so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
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Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
This was the best day of my life
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class