Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch