Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning